Kuya Arnold talked to me today

Kuya Arnold is someone I know since I was a child. He was the one who accompanied me to Queen of Angels community in our church in Bulacan. I'm still a grade schooler and attending there every saturday afternoon was such a pain. I don't want to! It's not that I don't want to know Christ but basically because I'm a shy girl in nature. I don't want being inside a room filled with strangers without my mom by my side. After the gathering, we had to attend the mass. I had to walk at the church's aisle as a collector. I don't want to walk and collect donations! That was so embarrassing! Why am I so embarrassed anyway? That time, I still don't know or maybe I don't have any reason at all. But, now...

Ok, back to Kuya Arnold. Today, he went at our house to visit. He, who has a tube attached at his lower back, came to visit me. He has grown old. After a couple of years of having that condition, he is now 120 pounds. I'm 114 lbs. He talked to me about why I must go to mass every sunday, what's the food for the body and food for the soul, the path to take to hell and the path to take to heaven, and shared me the joy of being with God. I think, there's more. While he was talking, I was listening, but a part of mind my was doubtful.

It's because I'm scared.

I'm worried that in following God, I might fail.

I'm not confident that I can follow Him.

I'm scared of the evil.

I don't want to be in hell, but I'm scared to ask for a place in Heaven.

Will I be accepted?

At my current state, I'm fully aware that I can't be in Heaven. I'm a bad girl. God knows the severity.

I don't know. I'm lost.

While he was talking there were times that I controlled myself from crying. No, I will not cry.
But, I can't deny it. I was moved by his words.

"God is not forcing you... He gave you an option....to choose between Heaven or hell."

But, I don't want to do good because there's Heaven. I was affected by a novel that I read when I was in 4th year High school. There's a father who talked to his child and said...

Gumawa ka ng mabuti hindi dahil sa may Langit, kundi dahil ang mabuti ay mabuti.Huwag kang gumawa ng masama hindi dahil sa may impyerno, kundi dahil ang masama ay masama.
Do good  not because there's Heaven, but because good is good. Don't do bad because there's hell, but because bad is bad.

I can be easily affected by the environment, just like that. I was influenced. Is it ok to do good because I'm aiming for Heaven? He told me to text him if I want to ask something. Should I open up? I'm not confident. I'm a reserved type of person. Showing someone my weak point is a complete embarrassment for me. Well, it's not like I don't show it to anyone but for someone like him who faces a number of people, a senior in life, a senior in knowing Faith...it's so hard to do it.

What will happen to me now?...After that talk...Will there be a change in me?

*kuya = big brother / or an older guy